Friday, August 4, 2017

Some Puns & Some

- The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- We drive on a parkway and park on a driveway.
- We recite at a play and play at a recital.
- She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
- Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
- A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
- Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
- He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
- Cauterize: made eye contact with her.
- The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
- A group of chess enthusiasts were standing in the hotel lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to leave. "But why," they asked. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
- A husband complains to a marriage counselor: "When we were first married, I would come home from work, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years, it's all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" says the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"
- Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
- Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
- We drive on a parkway and park on a driveway.
- Why are "wise man" and "wise guy" opposites? And also "overlook" and "oversee" opposites.

See if you can read this:
      "Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can raed tihs. I cdnuolt bielvee that I cluod aulaclty uendsatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig, huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!"

- Give me the shortest word in the English language that contains the letters: abcdef, i.e. give me your feedback.
- A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
- Experts say the cost of funerals have risen by 50%, they blame it on the cost of living.
- Alarms: What an octopus is.
- Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.
- Church sign: "Honk if you love God. Text while driving if you want to meet Him."
- Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
- A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

If you planted hope today in any hopeless heart,
If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part,
If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away,
If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray,
Then your day was well spent.

- Whenever two people meet, there are really six people present. There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other person sees him, and each man as he really is.
- The height of embarrassment is when two sets of eyes meet through a keyhole.

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