While collecting a lots of riff-raff and a lots of odds and ends I collected a lot of jokes also. Here is one of my favorites.
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing.
One of the boys replied, 'This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we're having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today.
Of course, the Reverend was shocked. 'You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!' he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, 'Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?' and ending with, 'Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.'
There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. 'All right,' he said, 'give him the dog.'
Friday, October 15, 2010
A Crabby Old Man
Here is another one of the odds and ends that I came up with:
When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in North Platte, Nebraska , it was believed that he had nothing left of any value. Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. One nurse took her copy to Missouri .
The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem. And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.
Crabby Old Man
What do you see nurses? . . . .. . What do you see?
What are you thinking .. . . . . When you're looking at me?
A crabby old man . . . .. . Not very wise,
Uncertain of habit . . . . . With faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food . . . . . And makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . . . . . 'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . . .. . . The things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . A sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not . . . . . Lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . . . The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? . . . . . Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . . You're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am. . . . . . As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, . . . . . As I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . .. . . . With a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters . . . . . Who love one another.
A young boy of Sixteen . . . . With wings on his feet..
Dreaming that soon now . ... . . . A lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . . . My heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows . . . . .. That I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now . . . . . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . . . . With ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons . . . . . Have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me . . . . . To see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . . My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me . . . . . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future . . . . . Shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing . . . . . Young of their own.
And I think of the years . . . . . And the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man ... . . . . And nature is cruel.
‘Tis jest to make old age . . . .. .. Look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles . . . . . Grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone . .. . . Where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass . . . . . A young guy still dwells,
And now and again . . . . . My battered heart swells.
I remember the joys . . . . . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . .. . Life over again.
I think of the years, all too few . . . . . Gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . . That nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people . . . . . Open and see.
Not a crabby old man . . . Look closer ... . . See ME!!
When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in North Platte, Nebraska , it was believed that he had nothing left of any value. Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. One nurse took her copy to Missouri .
The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem. And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.
Crabby Old Man
What do you see nurses? . . . .. . What do you see?
What are you thinking .. . . . . When you're looking at me?
A crabby old man . . . .. . Not very wise,
Uncertain of habit . . . . . With faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food . . . . . And makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . . . . . 'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . . .. . . The things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . A sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not . . . . . Lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . . . The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? . . . . . Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . . You're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am. . . . . . As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, . . . . . As I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . .. . . . With a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters . . . . . Who love one another.
A young boy of Sixteen . . . . With wings on his feet..
Dreaming that soon now . ... . . . A lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . . . My heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows . . . . .. That I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now . . . . . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . . . . With ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons . . . . . Have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me . . . . . To see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . . My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me . . . . . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future . . . . . Shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing . . . . . Young of their own.
And I think of the years . . . . . And the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man ... . . . . And nature is cruel.
‘Tis jest to make old age . . . .. .. Look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles . . . . . Grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone . .. . . Where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass . . . . . A young guy still dwells,
And now and again . . . . . My battered heart swells.
I remember the joys . . . . . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . .. . Life over again.
I think of the years, all too few . . . . . Gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . . That nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people . . . . . Open and see.
Not a crabby old man . . . Look closer ... . . See ME!!
An Athiests Holiday
As I said I had collected a lot of odds and ends and they are scattered around in different scrap books. I was going through one of them and I came across this:
In Florida, USA, an Atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that Atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a Judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the Lawyer, The Judge banged his gavel declaring, “Case dismissed!"
The Lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, Your honor, How can you be possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kip Pur and Hanukkah, But my client and all other Atheists have no such holidays."
The Judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant." The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists." The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April fool’s Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'the fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says, There is no God, and then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.." You got to love this Judge, who knows his scriptures.
In Florida, USA, an Atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that Atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a Judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the Lawyer, The Judge banged his gavel declaring, “Case dismissed!"
The Lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, Your honor, How can you be possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kip Pur and Hanukkah, But my client and all other Atheists have no such holidays."
The Judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant." The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists." The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April fool’s Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'the fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says, There is no God, and then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.." You got to love this Judge, who knows his scriptures.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Anger
What is anger? Buddha once said: "Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten. Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; but you are the one who gets burned. You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger. This is one side of anger. It is resentment against others.
But what about the other side? Is not anger guilt that is directed towards ourselves? It is not the result of what the world does to you. It is a manifestation of your inability to take control of a situation. It is not born out of deficiency of others but out of your own inadequacy.
It is the transcending of anger that is required. Because as expressed in a Chinese proverb: " If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow". So, you should become aware of the reason of your anger. The more you become aware of your anger, the lesser will be its intensity.
And when you are angry what should you do? You should identify the cause of your anger and direct it towards the problem and not towards people. Anger is futile. The more you become aware of the futility of anger, the more you will become aware that it neither serves you nor your relationship with others. You should concentrate your energy on answers and not excuses.
It is easy to become angry. Controlling it and finding the cause for that anger is difficult because we give way to our emotions the moment that we become angry. But again anger is a great force. Control it and divert it into other channels of constructive action.
Just remember that "for every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness"; as stated by Ralph Waldo Emerson.
But what about the other side? Is not anger guilt that is directed towards ourselves? It is not the result of what the world does to you. It is a manifestation of your inability to take control of a situation. It is not born out of deficiency of others but out of your own inadequacy.
It is the transcending of anger that is required. Because as expressed in a Chinese proverb: " If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow". So, you should become aware of the reason of your anger. The more you become aware of your anger, the lesser will be its intensity.
And when you are angry what should you do? You should identify the cause of your anger and direct it towards the problem and not towards people. Anger is futile. The more you become aware of the futility of anger, the more you will become aware that it neither serves you nor your relationship with others. You should concentrate your energy on answers and not excuses.
It is easy to become angry. Controlling it and finding the cause for that anger is difficult because we give way to our emotions the moment that we become angry. But again anger is a great force. Control it and divert it into other channels of constructive action.
Just remember that "for every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness"; as stated by Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Commmon Sense
"Common Sense Is Not So Common" - so said Voltaire.
I read this in the Quotes section of the October 2010 edition of the Reader's Digest (Indian Edition) when I was reminded of the days when I was working as an Assistant Engineer under a very senior Executive Engineer who was a qualified Mechanical Engineer and had spent all the days of his service practicing mechanical engineering till his promotion as an Executive Engineer at which point he was posted to a Civil Engineering Division. Fortunately for him he had as subordinates, all experienced Assistant Executive Engineers who took care of the day to day problems arising in the construction of the head works of two reservoirs and he was left practically solely with the maintenance of the machinery in the control of the Division.
He always used to boast that Mechanical Engineering was an exact science and that if you made a mistake in the setting an engine's tappets by a thousandth of an inch, the engine would not function effectively, which of course is true and he would degrade Civil Engineers, especially to me, who am a Civil Engineer and was in charge of the maintenance of heavy earth moving machinery and other earth dam construction equipment.
The trouble started when the excavation of the canals leading from the reservoirs started and he was burdened with Civil Engineers who had no experience in such matters, having spent all the years of their services in the construction of buildings with no experience in the excavation of canals and the design and construction of cross masonry works.
My Executive Engineer, being a very intelligent man, studied the textbooks of his son, who was doing his Civil Engineering Degree and came up with the solutions that the field work required.
It was then that he found out about the nuances of Civil Engineering and one day when he and I were doing an inspection of the canal excavation and appurtenant works going on (I had then been transferred to a Civil Engineering Section and was in charge of the excavation of a 7.50 km. long canal), he made this comment,
"Oliver, do you remember me saying that Mechanical Engineering is an exact science?"
"Yes", I replied.
"Well", he said, "Mechanical Engineering may be an exact science, but Civil Engineering requires a lot of common sense, and many people do not have any common sense."
I do not know if he had read Voltaire's quote.
I read this in the Quotes section of the October 2010 edition of the Reader's Digest (Indian Edition) when I was reminded of the days when I was working as an Assistant Engineer under a very senior Executive Engineer who was a qualified Mechanical Engineer and had spent all the days of his service practicing mechanical engineering till his promotion as an Executive Engineer at which point he was posted to a Civil Engineering Division. Fortunately for him he had as subordinates, all experienced Assistant Executive Engineers who took care of the day to day problems arising in the construction of the head works of two reservoirs and he was left practically solely with the maintenance of the machinery in the control of the Division.
He always used to boast that Mechanical Engineering was an exact science and that if you made a mistake in the setting an engine's tappets by a thousandth of an inch, the engine would not function effectively, which of course is true and he would degrade Civil Engineers, especially to me, who am a Civil Engineer and was in charge of the maintenance of heavy earth moving machinery and other earth dam construction equipment.
The trouble started when the excavation of the canals leading from the reservoirs started and he was burdened with Civil Engineers who had no experience in such matters, having spent all the years of their services in the construction of buildings with no experience in the excavation of canals and the design and construction of cross masonry works.
My Executive Engineer, being a very intelligent man, studied the textbooks of his son, who was doing his Civil Engineering Degree and came up with the solutions that the field work required.
It was then that he found out about the nuances of Civil Engineering and one day when he and I were doing an inspection of the canal excavation and appurtenant works going on (I had then been transferred to a Civil Engineering Section and was in charge of the excavation of a 7.50 km. long canal), he made this comment,
"Oliver, do you remember me saying that Mechanical Engineering is an exact science?"
"Yes", I replied.
"Well", he said, "Mechanical Engineering may be an exact science, but Civil Engineering requires a lot of common sense, and many people do not have any common sense."
I do not know if he had read Voltaire's quote.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Corn On The Ear
Here is another of the odds and ends that I had collected. The stuff that I have are scattered over a lot of scrap books and I'm now only finding them.
Where can a man buy a cap for his knee?
Or a key for a lock of his hair?
Can your eyes be called an academy?
Because there are pupils there?
In the crown of your head what jewels are found?
Who crosses the bridge of your nose?
Could you use in shingling the roof of your mouth?
The nails on the end of your toes?
Could the crook in your elbow be sent to jail?
How can you sharpen your shoulder blades?
Could you sit in the shade of the palm of your hand?
Or beat the drum of your ear?
Does the calf of your leg eat the corn on your toe?
Then why grow corn on the ear?
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Your Friend
What is a friend? Traditionally, "a friend in need is a friend indeed". But do you really have such a kind of friend? A friend is someone who is there with you, some one who loves you and some one who cares for you. Some one who is there with you in the times of your tribulation. And if you really want such a friend, there is only one entity that you can turn to, and that is God. He is always there with you, whether you like it or not. You may not believe in God, but he believes in you, and you are definitely his friend. So in case you do not believe in him, it would you do a world of good if you now begin to believe in him. In health, adversity or what ever problems you may have, turn to him and you will find that he is the best friend that you can have.
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